HEY, IT'S MS. LONELY!

I'm feeling different. And it's getting worse each day. Maybe I feel sad. I know why, but I'm not sure of it. I'm feeling lonely. Am I really loosing people around me? I'm not feeling anyone beside me. Maybe I'm really pushing them away.

It's semester break in two days, I'm excited. I'm planning to have all the fun I could. But holding back, yes I'm having fun, but with whom? I remember, I don't have friends. Maybe I do have some. That's what I thought before. But aghhh, they're hurting me. Are friends really meant to make you feel bad? I know I'm not perfect. I'm stupid most of the time so who am I to say, but I can't help complaining. What they're doing isn't the idea of friendship that I had in mind. Or am I just being self-centered?

I have issues in life that I can't fight. I'm afraid of people. Yes. Oh, not literally but I'm afraid of letting people come in to my life in a way that... ughhhh, I don't know either. But the "rejection" thing is alway a reason to be afraid of. I know I'm not a friendly person. It's so clear. And you cannot blame me if you ask why.

I have stories in life that I can't easily let go. Most of them are sad stories. It's how people pushed me away. It's how people hate me. I grew up in a place where most of everyone doesn't know the word "respect". They don't appreciate and accept the way I am and the things I do. I didn't do anything wrong to them for sure. So I'm clueless why they are like that. Maybe it's in the way I look. My physical appearance have always been an issue to others. So is that the reason? Nah.... Maybe I'm just meant to be a loner!

Because of those people, I lost my self confidence. Yes, I'm blaming them for that. I can't open myself for everyone to see and understand because I'm used to be rejected everytime I try. So what now? I've become the "Supladita't Isnabera" in the block. I learned not to kiss anyone's ass no matter what. I loved my pride so much along the way.

Now in my years of living, you wouldn't believe but I never really had a true bestfriend. So here comes these people I call real friends. I was so, so thankful cause having people like them for me is so rare. I'm handling them in the way that I know. But as I realized, they're not making me feel the way that I thought it should be. They're not making me feel the way that I'm making them feel. Well, there's this one. He's so true and loyal. But he's still different above the others so it's way more complicated I think. And since I'm playing the role of Ms. Stupid here, for sure I'll loose him too, very soon.

I don't know how to work these things out. I'm nothing but a mess. So yeah, I'm clueless and soon will be going crazy. Anyways, maybe things just happen as the way they should. I'm not sure If I can accept the way they are about to be but if I'm really meant to be alone in life then so be it. Nah, I don't know.